it’s my job to cook for you. for you both. if i didn’t want to, i wouldn’t have accepted luffy’s offer.
i meant everything i said. and that was meant just for him. i know you want to help, but you don’t have to get yourself involved. everything’s fine.
a cook knows how to source and prepare his own ingredients. anyway, i’m teaching bee the basics. someone needs to look after zoro.
zoro doesn’t know how to be upset. and i was lying. i didn’t mean to tell you, or else i would have. it doesn’t involve you, nami. it’s a stupid misunderstanding between zoro and i, and if he needs it spelled out for him, then i’ll spell it out for him. after i get back.
nami, don't. it's dangerous and you'll get hurt. the magic here is unreliable. stay here with zoro.
[ the words appear on the page before he can stop himself from writing them, far too demanding to be directed at nami. immediate guilt seizes him, coiling around the brittle anger taking shape in his bones. ]
why does it matter to you so much? do you need me to want him?
it matters to me because your feelings matter to me. zoro’s feelings matter to me too. we’re friends, no matter what happens. we’re not supposed to hurt each other. all i need from you is the truth.
( nami was under the presumption they were going to do the civilized thing and pretend like that never happened. well. egg on her face. she onto scowls at her notebook because she has the exact same inclination sanji has when he doesn’t want to face something — turning tail and running full speed in the opposite direction. )
we’re not talking about us. we’re talking about you and zoro.
( she weighs briefly on whether or not she thinks sanji is a pro at misdirection, at subterfuge (she does). still, if something is wrong, that takes precedent. it has to. )
what do you mean? it feels the same for me.
( brief, insecure panic. what changed? nami? sanji’s feelings?)
i’m putting all my effort into not letting him die. i don’t know what else you want from me. is there something i haven’t been giving you? when you’re not happy with me, i can feel it. i used to be able to feel it all.
i haven't been happy with you because i’ve been angry with you. because you hurt zoro’s feelings. what else do you want from me? i can’t get rid of my connection to zoro. i don’t know when things got so complicated but i’m trying, here.
( sanji’s voice, in the back of her mind. are you, though? i lost my eye for you. i lost my hands for zoro. what have you given up recently? )
you're angry at me because of that shitty idiot? because i want to be with you?
[ he tries to write and not him, but. the words won't come. besides, the feeling of nami being angry at him is ruinous, like a smack in the face after he's tried so hard to be what she needs. giving, but not suffocating. loving, but not saying it anymore. until now, anyway. can she really not feel their tether fraying? his cravings for blood have gotten worse, and he's chalked it up to deprivation, but maybe it's just that their connection isn't good anymore. maybe he ruined it with how much he's been thinking of zoro lately. ]
you have to tell me when i'm not being what you want. i'm not mad at you. i just don't know your conditions. is it zoro? do you want me to be with him like you are? will that finally make you happy?
( nami isn’t sure how she of all people could have conditions on love. it’s actually fucking galling, the idea that sanji is only worthy when he’s behaving, that nami only wants him when he’s agreeable. she could prove it right now, when she’s maddest at him. when she comes back tonight after hunting in the bitter cold for hours, and proves she isn’t actually going to run away this time. she’s serious, about sanji, about zoro. it’s time to own up to it.
but she’s also very, very pissed at him. she has an idea that sanji has issues — but he can get in line. so does she. )
yes sanji, i want you to be completely fucking miserable all the time. if i’m so difficult to be with, maybe you need to think about if it’s really me you want, or if i’m just the most convenient woman to hide all your gay feelings for zoro inside of.
[ this is worse than a blow. it's like something's unspooling, pushing him further and further from nami the more he tries to understand her. it is because of zoro, surely she can feel at least that, and maybe she can even read every hatefully carnal thought he's had for him. maybe she can sense that his worry for zoro has been eating at him, eroding away at the connection he's supposed to share with her.
he is an angry person, deeply so, but he's also always been good at turning it off like a switch, and suddenly he can't. the storm of his anger fills him like static, a familiar wash of despair that he can never seem to escape. ]
you're wrong. it's not that. but i think if i told zoro i loved him, he would at least make me feel like he thought the same.
[ pain throbs at his hip, a sudden cut there and gone, leaving a phantom ache. he digs his shirt from his trousers, breathing hard, and — it's gone. the tattoo is gone, and he can't feel nami anymore, a cavernous ache left behind. his eyes fall on the book, his eyes prickling with shame when he reads the words he's written, and he scrambles for his pencil, but then staggers, his hunger debilitating. he hasn't eaten or drank since finding zoro at the circus, too busy at first but then it became a matter of need. a matter of not enough blood and zoro too close to dying. things have only gotten worse since then.
he tries to reach out to nami for help, but there's nothing but a void within him. no tether, no connection, no nothing. he's alone, with just the sharp agony of starvation that uproots painful memories that he's tried to bury. ]
( anger lives in her a chest like a beating heart, pounding against everything else inside her empty cavity. it's sanji's anger too — his frustration, his pain, all of it palpable to her, like a map written in a language only she has the key to. distantly, she knows once they cool off, they'll be fine. she knows she'll apologize to sanji for being incessant and cruel, that they'll fall back into their quiet, unspoken discomfort with each other, and return to the standard of things as the way they are. sanji, openhearted with goodness in his eyes, and nami with her arms stretched out between them, pushing him away.
but it's gone, in a second. nami has to look down to make sure an errant bullet didn't just nail her in the gut, but there's not blood or gore or violence on her. just the painful, quiet emptiness of a missing link, the blood dripping off her tongue at the removal of sanji's tattoo. so — there isn't a solution, then. is that the answer? she was too unkind, too unfair. too explosively resistant that even the person whose been the most patient with her lost his resolve. she couldn't say i love you too and lost the privilege of his feelings — a loss that makes the wintery day even colder, without their bond to warm her chest.
tears well up in her eyes, but she ignores her wet cheeks. she isn't crying. she doesn't care. sanji doesn't want her? that's fine, just fine. she was a terrible witch to him, anyway. he'll be happier somewhere else. her fingers cradle around the invisible strings of her bond with zoro, coddling it like something precious. not pulling him to her, but clinging to him like a wet cat clinging to a warm body in the cold. at least there's that, for now. until nami pisses him off, too. )
so that's how it is? i'm a shitty girlfriend, so i get thrown away like dirt?
( when there's no response, she nods her head to herself. that's how it is. fine. okay. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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if i didn’t want to, i wouldn’t have accepted luffy’s offer.
i meant everything i said. and that was meant just for him.
i know you want to help, but you don’t have to get yourself involved.
everything’s fine.
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you said you meant to tell me. in the text.
and it does involve me. zoro was upset. i was upset.
because i know you’re lying, even now.
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anyway, i’m teaching bee the basics.
someone needs to look after zoro.
zoro doesn’t know how to be upset. and i was lying. i didn’t mean to tell you, or else i would have.
it doesn’t involve you, nami. it’s a stupid misunderstanding between zoro and i, and if he needs it spelled out for him, then i’ll spell it out for him.
after i get back.
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i was there too. how could it not involve me?
why are you so ashamed? there’s nothing wrong with it.
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do we need more firewood for the bedroom? i can chop that before i go.
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don’t we mean anything to you?
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if you want to pretend like you don’t like him, you could at least have the decency to say it in a less shitty way.
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the magic here is unreliable. stay here with zoro.
[ the words appear on the page before he can stop himself from writing them, far too demanding to be directed at nami. immediate guilt seizes him, coiling around the brittle anger taking shape in his bones. ]
why does it matter to you so much?
do you need me to want him?
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we’re friends, no matter what happens. we’re not supposed to hurt each other.
all i need from you is the truth.
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we’re not talking about us. we’re talking about you and zoro.
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i'll handle whatever is between zoro and i.
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what do you mean? it feels the same for me.
( brief, insecure panic. what changed? nami? sanji’s feelings?)
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is there something i haven’t been giving you? when you’re not happy with me, i can feel it.
i used to be able to feel it all.
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what else do you want from me? i can’t get rid of my connection to zoro. i don’t know when things got so complicated but i’m trying, here.
( sanji’s voice, in the back of her mind. are you, though? i lost my eye for you. i lost my hands for zoro. what have you given up recently? )
are you mad at me?
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because i want to be with you?
[ he tries to write and not him, but. the words won't come. besides, the feeling of nami being angry at him is ruinous, like a smack in the face after he's tried so hard to be what she needs. giving, but not suffocating. loving, but not saying it anymore. until now, anyway. can she really not feel their tether fraying? his cravings for blood have gotten worse, and he's chalked it up to deprivation, but maybe it's just that their connection isn't good anymore. maybe he ruined it with how much he's been thinking of zoro lately. ]
you have to tell me when i'm not being what you want.
i'm not mad at you. i just don't know your conditions.
is it zoro? do you want me to be with him like you are?
will that finally make you happy?
no subject
( nami isn’t sure how she of all people could have conditions on love. it’s actually fucking galling, the idea that sanji is only worthy when he’s behaving, that nami only wants him when he’s agreeable. she could prove it right now, when she’s maddest at him. when she comes back tonight after hunting in the bitter cold for hours, and proves she isn’t actually going to run away this time. she’s serious, about sanji, about zoro. it’s time to own up to it.
but she’s also very, very pissed at him. she has an idea that sanji has issues — but he can get in line. so does she. )
yes sanji, i want you to be completely fucking miserable all the time.
if i’m so difficult to be with, maybe you need to think about if it’s really me you want, or if i’m just the most convenient woman to hide all your gay feelings for zoro inside of.
no subject
he is an angry person, deeply so, but he's also always been good at turning it off like a switch, and suddenly he can't. the storm of his anger fills him like static, a familiar wash of despair that he can never seem to escape. ]
you're wrong. it's not that.
but i think if i told zoro i loved him, he would at least make me feel like he thought the same.
[ pain throbs at his hip, a sudden cut there and gone, leaving a phantom ache. he digs his shirt from his trousers, breathing hard, and — it's gone. the tattoo is gone, and he can't feel nami anymore, a cavernous ache left behind. his eyes fall on the book, his eyes prickling with shame when he reads the words he's written, and he scrambles for his pencil, but then staggers, his hunger debilitating. he hasn't eaten or drank since finding zoro at the circus, too busy at first but then it became a matter of need. a matter of not enough blood and zoro too close to dying. things have only gotten worse since then.
he tries to reach out to nami for help, but there's nothing but a void within him. no tether, no connection, no nothing. he's alone, with just the sharp agony of starvation that uproots painful memories that he's tried to bury. ]
no subject
but it's gone, in a second. nami has to look down to make sure an errant bullet didn't just nail her in the gut, but there's not blood or gore or violence on her. just the painful, quiet emptiness of a missing link, the blood dripping off her tongue at the removal of sanji's tattoo. so — there isn't a solution, then. is that the answer? she was too unkind, too unfair. too explosively resistant that even the person whose been the most patient with her lost his resolve. she couldn't say i love you too and lost the privilege of his feelings — a loss that makes the wintery day even colder, without their bond to warm her chest.
tears well up in her eyes, but she ignores her wet cheeks. she isn't crying. she doesn't care. sanji doesn't want her? that's fine, just fine. she was a terrible witch to him, anyway. he'll be happier somewhere else. her fingers cradle around the invisible strings of her bond with zoro, coddling it like something precious. not pulling him to her, but clinging to him like a wet cat clinging to a warm body in the cold. at least there's that, for now. until nami pisses him off, too. )
so that's how it is? i'm a shitty girlfriend, so i get thrown away like dirt?
( when there's no response, she nods her head to herself. that's how it is. fine. okay. )
i'm hunting. stay with zoro. be back later.