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[ her head in his lap is the softest thing he’s felt all day, after ripping at the threads of his own wounds in search of the exact moment he drove zoro away. it shouldn’t be such a surprising thing, unlovable and unwanted as he is, plucked out of the vinsmoke line like rotten fruit. the shocking part is that zoro could ever leave nami, which makes how he forced zoro’s hand even more reprehensible. how hard could it have been to end his own life? dying is hardly the worst thing that’s happened to him. he should’ve been stronger. should’ve been better. shouldn’t have made that night anyone else’s problem but his own.
his fingers ease through her hair and trace the faded tear tracks on her cheeks, traveling down the starry constellation of freckles adorning her skin. he feels like he’s been kicked right through the chest, a hole blowing him wide open, and still the moment he looks at her, the tide of love he feels makes his breath catch and his heart give a painful squeeze. ]
Don’t be silly. It’s not as comfortable in the restaurant. [ it’s where he’s spent his time since koby broke the news, because the alternative is his shared suite that’s now attached to an empty room where sanji used to crawl into a bed that smelled like fresh grass and beer. it smells like nothing now, just linens and the lemony scent of a fresh cleaning. ] I’d much rather be here. Besides, I’ll always be wherever you are.
[ tears stick to his lashes at the sound that comes from nami’s mouth, at the hurt pulsing deep within her that he can’t reach out and touch. smoke wafts from his mouth as he balances his cigarette on the edge of the cold teacup leftover from earlier, then curls down and presses a kiss to her temple. ]
I won’t tell her. [ not because she shouldn’t know, but because it might hurt jinx to think that nami is keeping her out. ] Not now. It can be just the two of us tonight, if that’s what you want.
[ just two. even that tastes like ash in his mouth, like a part of his heart has permanently ruptured. zoro was never even meant to live there, much less become a vital part of keeping it beating. his face grows hot again even as he tries his best not to cry, reaching for his cigarette again. ]
I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you. [ he imagines koby kicking the door down for defying his direct orders. his fingers curl gently in nami’s hair, soothing against the base of her skull. his eyes rest upon the tea party spread across the table. ] I asked Zoro to do something awful for me. I shouldn’t have. I was always selfish with him, and you were always good to him. I’m sorry that — I’m sorry that I drove him away with my… I’m sorry that I took him from you. I was never good to him. Not even in the end.
his fingers ease through her hair and trace the faded tear tracks on her cheeks, traveling down the starry constellation of freckles adorning her skin. he feels like he’s been kicked right through the chest, a hole blowing him wide open, and still the moment he looks at her, the tide of love he feels makes his breath catch and his heart give a painful squeeze. ]
Don’t be silly. It’s not as comfortable in the restaurant. [ it’s where he’s spent his time since koby broke the news, because the alternative is his shared suite that’s now attached to an empty room where sanji used to crawl into a bed that smelled like fresh grass and beer. it smells like nothing now, just linens and the lemony scent of a fresh cleaning. ] I’d much rather be here. Besides, I’ll always be wherever you are.
[ tears stick to his lashes at the sound that comes from nami’s mouth, at the hurt pulsing deep within her that he can’t reach out and touch. smoke wafts from his mouth as he balances his cigarette on the edge of the cold teacup leftover from earlier, then curls down and presses a kiss to her temple. ]
I won’t tell her. [ not because she shouldn’t know, but because it might hurt jinx to think that nami is keeping her out. ] Not now. It can be just the two of us tonight, if that’s what you want.
[ just two. even that tastes like ash in his mouth, like a part of his heart has permanently ruptured. zoro was never even meant to live there, much less become a vital part of keeping it beating. his face grows hot again even as he tries his best not to cry, reaching for his cigarette again. ]
I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you. [ he imagines koby kicking the door down for defying his direct orders. his fingers curl gently in nami’s hair, soothing against the base of her skull. his eyes rest upon the tea party spread across the table. ] I asked Zoro to do something awful for me. I shouldn’t have. I was always selfish with him, and you were always good to him. I’m sorry that — I’m sorry that I drove him away with my… I’m sorry that I took him from you. I was never good to him. Not even in the end.
Edited 2025-05-21 23:48 (UTC)
( even now it doesn't feel fair, to force sanji to be strong for her while she can barely garner up the energy to breathe. what entitlement does she have to her own existential sadness? wasn't that the old fear — that sanji and zoro would always care for each other more than they cared for her? it feels like the time to blow the dust off that old insecurity, to shovel all her feelings to the back of her mind and be fully present for sanji, instead. sanji, doing the thing he always does, where he tries to be strong for everyone. he doesn't have to be strong for her — nami finds, the thought of being another thing on his list of worries sits more like a cannonball in her gut than a comfort. she's work. she's even hard work, difficult and unrewarding. the least she can do is be a shoulder to cry on, instead of slowly drowning herself in his lap.
at length, she works her way to climbing up him, hands grabbing his waist and his jacket, up until she can pull herself into sitting. his expression is miserable, deadened, and she looks at sanji's throat, her perfectly tailored suit. thinking he must be uncomfortable, she sets to undoing his buttons, pushing his suit jacket off his shoulders, loosening his tie and tugging it out from around his neck. she winds it around her knuckles a few times, until it's all raveled up. she doesn't give it back. )
What ... did you ask him?
( her brows pinch together, lashed by his words, by how deeply sanji sees this as his fault. he still doesn't get it — nami is the curse in their relationship, the centerpoint of all bad things that happen to them. sanji has only ever been good, generous, and too kind. the hand not curled up in his tie reaches to cup his cheek, thumbing the corner of his mouth. )
It's not — it's not your fault, bunny. Not you. ( crowding into him, she presses her nose against his cheek, affectionately. ) Zoro wouldn't ever leave us, not if he had any choice. Remember, he vowed to protect us? That first night, back at the village. ( weakly, ) Zoro never, ever breaks promises.
at length, she works her way to climbing up him, hands grabbing his waist and his jacket, up until she can pull herself into sitting. his expression is miserable, deadened, and she looks at sanji's throat, her perfectly tailored suit. thinking he must be uncomfortable, she sets to undoing his buttons, pushing his suit jacket off his shoulders, loosening his tie and tugging it out from around his neck. she winds it around her knuckles a few times, until it's all raveled up. she doesn't give it back. )
What ... did you ask him?
( her brows pinch together, lashed by his words, by how deeply sanji sees this as his fault. he still doesn't get it — nami is the curse in their relationship, the centerpoint of all bad things that happen to them. sanji has only ever been good, generous, and too kind. the hand not curled up in his tie reaches to cup his cheek, thumbing the corner of his mouth. )
It's not — it's not your fault, bunny. Not you. ( crowding into him, she presses her nose against his cheek, affectionately. ) Zoro wouldn't ever leave us, not if he had any choice. Remember, he vowed to protect us? That first night, back at the village. ( weakly, ) Zoro never, ever breaks promises.
Edited 2025-05-24 02:55 (UTC)
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